Do not wear red (or any other color) underwear underneath white shorts. Especially to an amusement park. You will inevitably get wet. Or your two year old daughter will pee on you.
Animals flying over the shower curtain bar in the bathtub is a source for endless entertainment. Making up a story to accompany the "Amazing Yuk-A-Puk!" makes you one cool Dad.
Song lyrics are a mere suggestion. You should always feel free to create your own as the mood inspires you and then claim that those ARE the actual lyrics. The exception to this rule is songs used for teasing (see: Inky Dinky Parlevous) or songs that you have already convinced everyone have different lyrics (See: "My wieners wet" in "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")
Hands are the source of hours of entertainment and distraction at the dinner table. If you have a napkin to use as a prop, even better. Two fingers create 'Herman' who has the ability to wander everywhere. The hand stacking or hand pounding game will end in hurt fingers and/or tears 9 out of 10 times.
Do not give a four year old a bottle of blue sno-cone mix to carry through the grocery store. He will drop it and there will be a mess. Further, do not then leave said four year old and four year old's three year old sister while you go and get another bottle of sno cone mix.
All fans of any team from Ohio are "the worst fans ever" Period. (Exception to rule: The Toledo Mud Hens are OK, only because they are the Tigers farm club).
Life is a story and every major event deserves a chapter. Make sure you're keeping track.
Pay attention to the world around you and the details. Soo Lines and deer will earn you ice cream! (Put only if they are seen by the person buying said ice cream who sometimes has selection vision loss)
Being the Papa makes you infallible and allows you to spoil to your hearts content.
When all else fails, ask Mom.
Sometimes the things you say/do that you think will have no or little impact keep coming back. Example: Say good-bye fly!
Prince Fielder's Dad's name is Cecil. He used to play first base for the Tigers. Now Prince plays first base.